


Silence

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 8x02, Angst, Drabble, M/M, Purgatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-12
Updated: 2012-10-12
Packaged: 2017-11-16 04:08:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/535319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean prays to Castiel every night, and he never gives up. And then -</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silence

Nights are short, but sharp and dark. Every morning when Dean opens his eyes, he somehow forgets about the ‘short’ part, though. It’s not a wonder, really. In the end, he’s got a knife tucked behind his belt and Purgatory is… not exactly dark, but every color seems to be toned out. 

That’s his every morning routine. The heart-clenching realization of ‘I’m still here and I’m fucking scared’ – because he is.

His every night routine is more private.

When he closes his eyes, his fingers wrapped around his knife, he tries to forget about where he is. In those moments, he manages to stop thinking about how to get out of here or how to survive until he figures it out. 

What he does next is rather stupid and he knows he should have learned his lesson over the past few months… but he does it anyway. It’s like following his father’s orders, except this time, he’s not trying to save Sam. He’s either trying to save the angel or himself. To be honest, he’s not quite sure which one it is and he’s not even sure if those two things aren’t actually just one. 

“Cas,” he murmurs in a low, raspy voice. He hasn’t been talking much lately – the only noise leaving his mouth is either whispering or the exact opposite – screaming helps him reach out, regain his strength and kill whatever is currently after him. “Cas,” he tries again. “You there? Cas!”

*

Eventually, he stops shouting the angel’s name into the darkness. He can’t put up with his own weakness, so he keeps his mouth shut. He only _thinks_ Castiel’s name, praying it would be enough.

Dean is not even sure what’s worse anymore. Is it the fact he lost someone or is it that damned scared feeling hovering over his head at all times?

Either way, Dean doesn’t want to think that Castiel’s gone. But what could happen to an angel in Purgatory? Actually, he doesn’t want to think about that either.

*

When he runs into Benny, or really into anyone, he uses the word ‘angel’. _Where’s the angel? First we find the angel._ The angel’s name has become so precious and dear to Dean that he doesn’t want to – he doesn’t dare to share it with anyone.

The closer he is to finding Castiel, the more merciless he becomes. He enjoys blood, screaming, death – it means he’s almost there. He’s driven by madness, and even Benny – even Dean himself – can see it. But there’s no stopping him. 

He cherishes his madness, because somehow, it seems okay to love Castiel when mad. It doesn’t seem like a sin anymore, and Dean likes that. He wants to grab Cas’s shoulder and get them both out of there, and it will be fucking okay again.

Just one more step, or two, and they’ll find each other.

*

After months of searching, it’s still a surprise when Dean spots the dirty, stained brown trench coat. It kicks the air out of his lungs for a few seconds, but then he takes one hesitant step forward.

“Cas!” he yells then and Castiel turns around and suddenly, Dean’s rushing towards the angel. He must be still mad, because he covers Castiel in a hug, as if he was trying to hide him in there, trying to keep him safe for once.

He distinctly realizes he’s smiling and his heart skips a beat. There’s relief and such great amount of love it’s actually alarming. 

That alarm keeps him from realizing something else entirely, but then he does notice it – Castiel is not hugging him back, he’s not talking, he’s not glad this is happening. Dean can tell, because the warmth that was once present in Castiel’s arms is long gone.

That’s when he pulls away just to look at Castiel’s face, untouched by emotion and unmoving as a stone, and then –


End file.
